February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month
I personally think it’s fitting that the month typically associated with love is also Teen Dating Violence Awareness month. I mean we all know that when you’re a teen, love can be all consuming and that all your friends think it’s cute when your boyfriend gets possessive.
At my high school, and maybe yours too, Valentine’s Day was a pretty big deal. The Chorus raised money by selling singing telegrams that came with a rose. I love you shout outs were up for grabs in the school newspaper. And on the day itself, the school was filled with pink and red hearts taped to the walls and the lockers. The student council had taken the time to write each student’s name on the hearts with black marker.
The idea was that you took someone’s heart down and taped it to you signifying your love for them in a very public way. My possessive boyfriend didn’t find my heart first.
A young boy in the band, that everyone made fun of, had snatched it up and proudly displayed it on his hunter green shirt. He had been very open about his crush on me since middle school. He had told everyone on the bus and the football field that I was his one true love. Everyone knew about his crush on me and knew nothing would come of it. Even my boyfriend — or so I thought.
I was walking down the hallway to meet up with him in our usual spot when I saw it happen. I was only a few feet away from the action so I could clearly identify what had upset my boyfriend. The heart with my name on it was on someone else’s chest.
Given it was the boy who had publicly displayed his love for me before, I didn’t think my boyfriend would react by slamming him into the wall and threatening him — but he did.
The boy with a crush on me slid down the wall and onto the floor. I watched as my boyfriend stood over him, intimidating him like he did me. The boy took the heart off his shirt and handed it over.
The smirk on my boyfriend’s face is what I remember most. It was the same smirk he had right after he did something horrible to me. It became familiar because it crossed his lips when I gave in and took him back, over and over again.
My friends and other girls reminded me how lucky I was to have someone who cared so much. They all said they would love to have a boy who would fight for them like that.
I started to feel like I should be happy I had a boyfriend that would fight anyone who looked at me and held records for red cards thrown on the soccer field. Some may even say I learned to become proud of his anger and found my place in helping him control it.
All the girls at my school thought it was amazing that he loved me that much and that made it even harder to see the violence for what it was.
As a teen, I thought it was great that he was so possessive. I didn’t see it as a sign of potential abuse. I thought that was love. My teenage mother thought it was love and I learned to think that too. I didn’t know any better and research suggests that I was not alone in that thinking.
Teens who have been abused or seen a trusted adult abused are more likely to enter into and stay in abusive relationships.
For me, it seemed normal. My father had beaten my mother for most of my early childhood. She made excuses and stayed with him. I guess that’s why I didn’t know any better when my high school boyfriend did what he did. I’ve often wondered what would have changed it for me.
Would having Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month at my school have made a difference?
I think maybe it would have. If everyone around me had known that his possessiveness was a red flag, it’s likely I would have known too.
But the truth is — when you are in it, it doesn’t feel like abuse. That’s a huge part of why it’s so hard to go. Abuse is rarely just abuse. It’s a lot of other things rolled up into one. You feel crazy because no one else sees the person you see. The abuser never treats everyone that way.
It’s hard to see when it’s happening to you and that is why it’s so important for everyone else to be looking for the signs of abuse. Teachers, teens, parents, counselors and even bus drivers need to be aware and looking for teen dating violence because it’s just as common as domestic violence.
Teen Dating Violence is a problem we all have a responsibility to fix.
The answer isn’t simple but making sure that you spread the signs to all teens that are dating is a small step we can take to make a difference. Teen dating violence can impact anyone. All genders of people can be both offenders and victims. It’s important that teens everywhere start to see the signs of abusive partners and dating violence so they can protect themselves and their friends.
It’s up to each of us to continue to talk about the signs, point them out when we see them and support the people we suspect are victims. Abuse in relationships tends to escalate. It starts small and then progresses to physical harm. Most people don’t take the early signs of an abusive partner seriously and many people see some of these red flags as “teenage” behavior.
Labeling it as puppy love makes it easier for adults take a teenage relationship (or the abuse) less seriously than they would if they would if the two parties were adults. These misnomers are things we can fix just by having conversations with teens in our area.
And not just YOUR teens — It’s better if we all get active in talking to all teens about the signs of teen dating violence. Anyone who works with teens or parents should be involved in having these conversations. Stopping teen dating violence is essential to also stopping the climb in rates of suicide, depression, anxiety, and drug abuse among teens. Just having conversations to make teens aware of the signs listed below is a great place to start.
Signs of Teen Dating Violence
Every relationship is somewhere between healthy and abusive. They are all different and the abuse that exists within them is also different. There is no one set thing that all abusers do that means you should run — but there are many signs that abuse could escalate. The following list are signs common among relationships that include teen dating violence.
- Excessive jealousy & possessiveness
- Unexpected outbursts of anger
- Unusual and unpredictable moodiness
- Not taking responsibility for mistakes they made
- Blaming you or twisting your words when they have hurt you
- Invading your privacy or expecting access to things you’d like to keep private
- Using criticism to control you
- Ensuring most of your time is spent with them
- Being uncomfortable if you have fun without them
- Coercing or pressuring you into sexual activity or more intimacy
- Controlling tendencies (schedule, clothes, friend group)
- Explosive temper and expressions of rage that include damage (throwing/punching things)
- Expecting you to check in or text right back when you aren’t with them
- Falsely accusing you of things
- Taunts, Bullies or Criticizes you in public (even if he’s pretending to joke)
- Gaslighting or calling you crazy/hysterical/insane
- Vandalizing or ruining your personal property
- Threatening or causing physical violence
Teen Dating Violence is more common than you think.
Teens aren’t really developed enough to handle all the things that come with relationships. Add a healthy dose of out-of-control hormones and you’ve got a teen dating violence storm brewing. Often, they don’t see what is right in front of them. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been either. It can happen on a first date or go on for over a year.
Most people don’t think that someone they’ve been with for a while could hurt them — even if they actually are — so it’s important to remember that most abusers don’t just start out abusing. They start out with love-bombing or excessive checking in. At first it makes you feel safe and then it can get more intense, more dangerous. Any relationship can become abusive at any time so looking for these red flags throughout a relationship is important.
If the red flags start to pile up, it may be time to leave the relationship or get some help doing that if it feels unsafe.
If you are experiencing this, these teen dating violence resources will help.
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Read about some of my personal experience with teen dating violence in the stories below.
— He drug me out of my car —
a story about possessiveness turned to violence
